It seems my audience is struggling with my riddles like a 3yr old eating spaghetti. Try this riddle a 3 year old can solve; "My favorite game is played with a goose. What am I?"
Duck, Duck, Goose is a traditional children's game often first learned in pre-school or kindergarten. The object of this game is to walk in a circle, tapping on each child's head until you finally choose one to be the new picker. It is called different things around the world. In Minnesota, it is called 'Duck, Duck, Gray Duck'. Often adults who like little boys play this game with children.
@Lasucka Alacawka Da. Very true. Later on as the years went by, the so simple game of Duck, Duck, Goose was adapted by the capitalist pigs and little boys were regularly tapped on their heads until one would be chosen to arise.
Boss to employee: "Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood." The guy takes out a 3 Wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK, where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?
Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
A blonde went to buy a lottery ticket, and sure enough, she won! She goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, "Great! I want my $20 million now please."
The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The blonde, furious with the man, finally screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Geroge Bush, Laura Bush and Dick Cheney where flying in a private jet when George says, "I can throw a $1,000 dollar bill out of the window and make 1 person happy today."
Laura said, "Well, I can throw 10 one hundred dollar bills out and make 10 people happy today."
Then Dick said, "I can throw out 100 ten dollar bills and make a hundred people happy."
The 2 pilots were listening to what they were saying and said, "HA! We got them beat cause we can throw all 3 of them out of the plane and make 54 million very happy today!"
A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly small head walks in and sits down next to him.
The first guy looks up and bursts out laughing. He asks, "What on earth happened to your head?"
The second man replies, "I was stranded on an island and a bottle floated up. I opened it and out came a female genie. She was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She told me I had one wish - so I took my time and thought long and hard about what I wanted. Finally, I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives making passionate love to each other. She told me that was the one wish she couldn't fulfill."
"So, then what happened?" asked the first guy.
"Well, before I could think, I blurted out, 'So I suppose a little head is out of the question?'"
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
30. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
While I do appreciate your interest in the blog, spamming useless unwanted comments does not make anybody around you very happy. While it may seem cool for the moment, I guarantee that the rush is only temporary. While I do understand the importance of a blog to share opinions and ideas, you all must remember that good things can be taken away. You are all high school students and I expect you to act in a mature fashion. Thank you and please in enjoy the blog in a responsible manner.
Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.
"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.
At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
While I do appreciate your interest in the blog, spamming useless unwanted comments does not make anybody around you very happy. While it may seem cool for the moment, I guarantee that the rush is only temporary. While I do understand the importance of a blog to share opinions and ideas, you all must remember that good things can be taken away. You are all high school students and I expect you to act in a mature fashion. Thank you and please in enjoy the blog in a responsible manner.
There were 3 women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, standing on a burning roof. The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the redhead to jump. She jumped and they moved it to the right. She hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the brunette to jump. She said that she wouldn't jump. They said they liked brunettes better than redheads. So she jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left. The brunette hit with a splat on the sidewalk.
Then they called the blonde woman to jump. She said that he wouldn't jump. The fire department said they hated redheads and brunettes. She yelled back, "Lay the blanket down on the sidewalk, and then I'll jump!"
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
While I do appreciate your interest in the blog, spamming useless unwanted comments does not make anybody around you very happy. While it may seem cool for the moment, I guarantee that the rush is only temporary. While I do understand the importance of a blog to share opinions and ideas, you all must remember that good things can be taken away. You are all high school students and I expect you to act in a mature fashion. Thank you and please in enjoy the blog in a responsible manner.
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
A couple returns from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replies the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nods gently and says, "I don't know if I can get over it, though. She gave me $20 change!"
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
While I do appreciate your interest in the blog, spamming useless unwanted comments does not make anybody around you very happy. While it may seem cool for the moment, I guarantee that the rush is only temporary. While I do understand the importance of a blog to share opinions and ideas, you all must remember that good things can be taken away. You are all high school students and I expect you to act in a mature fashion. Thank you and please in enjoy the blog in a responsible manner.
A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.
Goosing little boys?
ReplyDeleteI like how you brought up little boys again.
ReplyDeletei have heard that capitalist pigs enjoy little boys
ReplyDeleteHow many capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteIt takes two. One to screw the bulb in and another to touch a little boy
ReplyDeleteNone, since we don't need capitalists to screw in light bulbs or any thing else that really needs doing in our society.
ReplyDeleteA young girl asks her father, "Why is it so cold in the house?"
ReplyDelete"We don't have any coal", he says.
"But why is there no coal?", she wants to know.
"Because I lost my job", he replies.
Still unsatisfied, she asks one more time—"And why did you lose your job?"
Duck, Duck, Goose is a traditional children's game often first learned in pre-school or kindergarten. The object of this game is to walk in a circle, tapping on each child's head until you finally choose one to be the new picker. It is called different things around the world. In Minnesota, it is called 'Duck, Duck, Gray Duck'. Often adults who like little boys play this game with children.
ReplyDeleteTo which he answers, "Because there is too much coal".
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Lasucka Alacawka
ReplyDeleteDa. Very true. Later on as the years went by, the so simple game of Duck, Duck, Goose was adapted by the capitalist pigs and little boys were regularly tapped on their heads until one would be chosen to arise.
Boss to employee: "Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"
ReplyDeleteEmployee: "Thanks, Dad".
ReplyDeleteFrench Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
ReplyDeleteHa ha. French cows.
ReplyDeleteLucky frog
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog
and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides
to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood." The guy takes out a 3 Wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK, where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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What should I major In?
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
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At least it wasn't a little boy
ReplyDeleteFacts of life
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Psychiatrists say that 1 in 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, it's you.
Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bounced cheque.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The trouble with doing something right first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Poker rules supplement: a .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Diplomacy is saying "Nice doggy" until you find a rock.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
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Blonde lottery winner
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde went to buy a lottery ticket, and sure enough, she won! She goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, "Great! I want my $20 million now please."
The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The blonde, furious with the man, finally screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
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The 3 stooges
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geroge Bush, Laura Bush and Dick Cheney where flying in a private jet when George says, "I can throw a $1,000 dollar bill out of the window and make 1 person happy today."
Laura said, "Well, I can throw 10 one hundred dollar bills out and make 10 people happy today."
Then Dick said, "I can throw out 100 ten dollar bills and make a hundred people happy."
The 2 pilots were listening to what they were saying and said, "HA! We got them beat cause we can throw all 3 of them out of the plane and make 54 million very happy today!"
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Tiny wish
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly small head walks in and sits down next to him.
The first guy looks up and bursts out laughing. He asks, "What on earth happened to your head?"
The second man replies, "I was stranded on an island and a bottle floated up. I opened it and out came a female genie. She was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She told me I had one wish - so I took my time and thought long and hard about what I wanted. Finally, I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives making passionate love to each other. She told me that was the one wish she couldn't fulfill."
"So, then what happened?" asked the first guy.
"Well, before I could think, I blurted out, 'So I suppose a little head is out of the question?'"
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Juggling act
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
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Things I learned from movies
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
30. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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While I do appreciate your interest in the blog, spamming useless unwanted comments does not make anybody around you very happy. While it may seem cool for the moment, I guarantee that the rush is only temporary. While I do understand the importance of a blog to share opinions and ideas, you all must remember that good things can be taken away. You are all high school students and I expect you to act in a mature fashion. Thank you and please in enjoy the blog in a responsible manner.
ReplyDeleteTom the drunk
ReplyDelete--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.
"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.
At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
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Dave's little voices
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Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a vet..."
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Free drinks for everyone
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One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
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While I do appreciate your interest in the blog, spamming useless unwanted comments does not make anybody around you very happy. While it may seem cool for the moment, I guarantee that the rush is only temporary. While I do understand the importance of a blog to share opinions and ideas, you all must remember that good things can be taken away. You are all high school students and I expect you to act in a mature fashion. Thank you and please in enjoy the blog in a responsible manner.
ReplyDeleteDoctor's appointment
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One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
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Burning roof
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There were 3 women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, standing on a burning roof. The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the redhead to jump. She jumped and they moved it to the right. She hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the brunette to jump. She said that she wouldn't jump. They said they liked brunettes better than redheads. So she jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left. The brunette hit with a splat on the sidewalk.
Then they called the blonde woman to jump. She said that he wouldn't jump. The fire department said they hated redheads and brunettes. She yelled back, "Lay the blanket down on the sidewalk, and then I'll jump!"
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Best balls
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Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
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Red ring
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A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''
''Lipstick remover.''
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Iraqi-American relations
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Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
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While I do appreciate your interest in the blog, spamming useless unwanted comments does not make anybody around you very happy. While it may seem cool for the moment, I guarantee that the rush is only temporary. While I do understand the importance of a blog to share opinions and ideas, you all must remember that good things can be taken away. You are all high school students and I expect you to act in a mature fashion. Thank you and please in enjoy the blog in a responsible manner.
ReplyDeleteBlonde at the gas station
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A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
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Jungle fever
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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."
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Newlywed secrets revealed
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A couple returns from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replies the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nods gently and says, "I don't know if I can get over it, though. She gave me $20 change!"
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The old explorer
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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
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While I do appreciate your interest in the blog, spamming useless unwanted comments does not make anybody around you very happy. While it may seem cool for the moment, I guarantee that the rush is only temporary. While I do understand the importance of a blog to share opinions and ideas, you all must remember that good things can be taken away. You are all high school students and I expect you to act in a mature fashion. Thank you and please in enjoy the blog in a responsible manner.
ReplyDeleteDaughter and vibrator
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A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.
"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
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@Lasuka Alacawka
ReplyDeleteWhat you enjoy little boys! Are you a capitalist pig ?
Duck Hunter 3D
ReplyDeleteI believe the answer lyes within laying down next to little boys.
ReplyDelete